I left off with a meeting in October 2012 involving my mother, aunt, grandmother, T, and the lawyer who T had secretly taken my grandmother to when he had my grandmother create a new will and establish him as her POA and HCP, even though he is a non-family member and remained married to his wife until she passed away about 2 years ago. During this meeting, T threatened to kick my grandmother out of his home and threatened to not pay the lawyer, showing a possible conflict-of-interest that the lawyer ignored.
T also made an odd comment during this meeting that I left out of my previous post. T said that my grandmother had never paid him rent while living with him. That's when my mother says she realized that this was all about money for him, not doing what was truly best for my grandmother. Since when does a boyfriend expect rent from his girlfriend? Especially when it was his desire for my grandmother to move in with him, my grandmother assisted him with his business, and my grandmother didn't have the money to pay him rent due to quiting her job in order to live with him.
This was an excellent opportunity for the lawyer to un-do what she had done with T and fix this. There was a clear conflict of interest, a clear threat by T to my grandmother, and clear psychological issues with T. But the lawyer, unfortunately, did not do the right thing.
A few hours after this meeting, my mother, aunt, and I met T and my grandmother at my grandmother's primary care doctor's office for an appointment that she had. T and my mother, who is a registered nurse, went into the exam room with my grandmother for the appointment. During the appointment, my mother learned that my grandmother had gained about 30 pounds in only a few months, her blood pressure was high, her blood sugar had been too high, and she was diagnosed with diabetic neuropathy, which occurs due to prolonged exposure to high blood sugar . This is when we became even more concerned about T's lack of desire and ability to properly care for my grandmother.
During the doctor's appointment, T was dishonest with the doctor and lied several times. My mother had to keep correcting him. When the doctor asked why my grandmother's neurologist had taken her off some medications for Alzheimer's/Dementia, T stated that it was because her neurologist felt that she had gotten better (which is impossible because both illnesses are degenerative. You don't get better.) My mother corrected T, stating that is was most likely because the medication was not working. The doctor looked up the neurologist's notes and, sure enough, it stated that my grandmother was taken off the medications because they were not effective. When the doctor tried to discuss my grandmother's diet with T, T claimed that my grandmother "always grabs the salt shaker." My mother interjected and said that my grandmother has never put a lot of salt on her food, ever. The doctor then informed T that there is an easy solution; hide the salt shaker.
After this doctor's appointment, my mother, aunt, and I asked my grandmother if she wanted to leave with us and hang out for a while since I was leaving the next morning. My grandmother said "yes," but asked T if that was "okay" with him. T said yes and we all walked out of the office together. We asked T if my grandmother could get her purse from his car before leaving with us. T said that my grandmother did not have a purse with her. So, he had taken my grandmother out with no purse, no identification, no money, no health insurance card, nothing. This had been a regular occurrence for years.
As we were all getting into our cars, T kept saying that he wanted my grandmother home by 7:30pm. My mother told T that we could not guarantee that; it depended on what we were doing and what my grandmother wanted. T ignored my mother and kept repeating that he wanted her home by 7:30. I then told T that, if we would be getting her home after 7:30, then we would call him. He ignored me, got into his car, and left.
My mother, aunt, grandmother, and I went to my paternal grandmother's home and visited for a few hours. We ordered pizza, talked, looked at pictures, and had a great time. My maternal grandmother was talking with us, asking questions, laughing, and really enjoying herself.
Around 7:15pm or so, we decided it was time to get my grandmother home to avoid any issues with T. When we got into the car, I called T and told him that we were on our way to bring my grandmother home. T said that "she was supposed to be home by 7:30" and then hung up on me. When I said that T had just hung up on me, my grandmother said, "Well that's ridiculous. He has no reason to be mad. I had fun."
We then started to ask my grandmother some questions about the lawyer that T had taken her to and the paperwork that he had her change. Even though a meeting with the lawyer had occurred that morning, my grandmother had no memory of it. She had no memory of having a lawyer, going to a lawyer, or ever re-doing any paperwork. She even asked, "I have a lawyer? What's his name?" We had to inform her that she did have a lawyer, that the lawyer was a female, and that she had been in a meeting with the lawyer that morning. My grandmother had no memory of any of this.
We arrived at T's house around 8:00pm/8:15pm. We decided that I would walk my grandmother inside because there was so much tension between T and my mother & aunt after the meeting with the lawyer that morning. We wanted to avoid any kind of argument in front of my grandmother.
As I was walking my grandmother to the front door, she said, "That was really nice. I had a good time with you guys." We entered the home and both said "hello" to T, who was sitting in the living room watching TV. T ignored us. My grandmother walked into the living room and happily said "We're home!" T immediately became enraged. His face was red and he was shaking. He started yelling and swearing at my grandmother. He was yelling at her for being home "too late" and taking his anger towards my mother and aunt out on her. I kept trying to verbally interject to stop him, but he ignored me and kept yelling at her. My grandmother started to say, "It's okay..." T became angrier and started to get up off his chair towards her. I jumped in front of my grandmother to stop him, put my hand out, and said, "You don't have to speak to her like that!" T immediately started to physically assault me by pushing me out of the room. He told me to "get out." I told him to take his hands off me and informed him that I was leaving the next morning, so he needed to let me say good-bye to my grandmother. T stopped, smiled, and then spread his arms and legs out to block the door way to the living room with my grandmother behind him. I demanded that he stop and let me say good bye to my grandmother. T continued to smile, say "no," and started making faces at me, sticking his tongue out, etc. My grandmother was tapping his arm from behind asking him to please stop. She then tried to get past him by sticking her head under his arm. T moved his body over, pinning my grandmother's head to the door frame, and then pushed her backwards. He looked at me almost as if he was waiting to see what my reaction would be, like a child trying to upset his parent. So I refused to react, remaining calm. T finally moved so that my grandmother could get past him. I gave her a hug. She was shaking and appeared very scared. I was afraid to leave her because I didn't know what T was going to do once I left.
I walked out the front door and immediately started crying and shaking...
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Part 2
I left off my story with T taking my grandmother to a lawyer and secretly having her create a new will and establish him (her 83-year-old BOYFRIEND) as her POA and HCP, when my grandmother was about 2 years into Alzheimer's/Dementia diagnoses and forgetting day-to-day events. T refuses to discuss the new will with the family or allow anyone to see it, so we can only assume that he most likely established himself as the executor and left all of my grandmother's assets in his name. Why else would he have her change it? Why else would he become angry and defensive when we bring it up? Why else would he refuse to let any of my grandmother's own children see it?
This action is listed as one of the Red Flags of Elder Abuse by the National Center on Elder Abuse (NCEA). Why the ELDER CARE lawyer that T took my grandmother to ignored this is beyond me. I guess some people will do anything as long as they're getting paid. Or maybe she just isn't a smart person and didn't have the knowledge or common sense to see the red flags. Maybe lawyers, even elder care lawyers, need more education about this or need continuing education once they are working in the field. Whatever the reasons, once this lawyer allowed T to have my grandmother's paperwork changed, she basically gave T the legal ability to continue abusing and neglecting my grandmother. And things got much worse.
Let me back up quickly to a couple months prior to T having my grandmother's paperwork changed, summer 2012:
First, my mother and I, who both live in another state, visited the family in June 2012. We had a big family get-together at T's house, since that's wear my grandmother lives. I first witnessed how bad my grandmother's mind was becoming during this time when she offered to make me some tea. There were TWO kettles sitting on the stove top burners, but my grandmother proceeded to take out a sauce pan and start boiling water. At this time I also witnessed how cruel and impatient T was towards my grandmother. After her attempt to make me tea, she started taking dirty dishes out of the dishwasher, obviously confused. With me standing right there, T snapped at my grandmother saying, "Why are you doing that? I just put those in there!" If he's willing to speak to her like that in front of her family, what's happening when no one is around?
Second, my aunt and mother scheduled to meet with T to discuss my grandmother's care and try to convince him to please pursue outside interventions to address her Alzheimer's/Dementia as she was continuing to decline and T was doing nothing about it, refusing any advice or suggestions and "shutting down" any concerns that we expressed. My aunt was in T's home in person and my mother (who lives in another state) was on speaker phone. My aunt had arranged for another family member to take my grandmother out for a while. When my mother and aunt attempted to discuss my grandmother's health/medical care with T as well as what was going on with their deceased brother's condo that T had taken over without communicating with the family, he became enraged. He started yelling and swearing at my aunt. He then physically assaulted her by trying to push to the door. At this time, the family member who had taken my grandmother out returned with my grandmother and they walked into the house. T shoved my grandmother, in front of my aunt and the other family member, and told her, "You can go f***ing live with them!" My grandmother, scared and confused about what was happening, told T that he was being "ridiculous." This was the first time that we witnessed T become physical with my grandmother. Again, if he was willing to do that in front of family members, what is he willing to do when no one is around?
OK, now fast forward a couple months. T secretly has my grandmother change her legal, end-of-life paperwork in August or September 2012. We found out in October 2012 when my mother and I were visiting again. The lawyer that T had taken my grandmother to contacted my aunt requesting some information about my deceased uncle that my grandmother was unable to give due to her memory loss. My aunt, surprised and confused by being contacted by this lawyer, explained to the lawyer the concerns we had about T and requested a meeting. So my mother, aunt, T, grandmother, and the lawyer had a meeting. During this meeting is when my mother and aunt found out about the paperwork that T had made my grandmother change. My mother and aunt were, understandably, angry and concerned. My grandmother, who was very confused, remained silent during the meeting. As my mother and aunt became upset and started going back-and-forth with T about what he had done, the lawyer had a stunned look on her face. The lawyer stated, "I had no idea there was any contention in the family..." My mother and aunt started to question the lawyer, asking why she would allow a non-family member to change the paperwork of an elderly person with Alzheimer's and Dementia without reaching out to the person's family members first. The lawyer did not have an answer. She appeared scared and it seemed as though she did not know what to do. She repeated to my mother and aunt several times, "Nothing's been done that can't be undone." When the lawyer said that, two things happened. 1.) T said, "If any of the paperwork is changed back, then she (referring to my grandmother) can go live with one of you (referring to my mother and aunt)!" and 2.) T said to the lawyer, "If you change any of the paperwork back, I won't pay you!" This is very important because T THREATENED my grandmother in front of the lawyer and threatened to not pay the lawyer, meaning there was a conflict-of-interest as my grandmother was (allegedly) the client, so T absolutely should not have been paying the lawyer himself. The money to pay the lawyer should have come from my grandmother's money, which she did have, since SHE was supposed to be the lawyer's client. The lawyer's job was to act in my grandmother's best interest, not T's. By being the one who was paying the lawyer, T was technically the client and the lawyer was really working for him, acting in HIS best interest. HUGE RED FLAGS FLYING UP EVERYWHERE!
Lesson for today: Sometimes, even lawyers may not know what they are doing, may miss (or ignore) "red flags," and may not have their clients' best interests in mind.
This action is listed as one of the Red Flags of Elder Abuse by the National Center on Elder Abuse (NCEA). Why the ELDER CARE lawyer that T took my grandmother to ignored this is beyond me. I guess some people will do anything as long as they're getting paid. Or maybe she just isn't a smart person and didn't have the knowledge or common sense to see the red flags. Maybe lawyers, even elder care lawyers, need more education about this or need continuing education once they are working in the field. Whatever the reasons, once this lawyer allowed T to have my grandmother's paperwork changed, she basically gave T the legal ability to continue abusing and neglecting my grandmother. And things got much worse.
Let me back up quickly to a couple months prior to T having my grandmother's paperwork changed, summer 2012:
First, my mother and I, who both live in another state, visited the family in June 2012. We had a big family get-together at T's house, since that's wear my grandmother lives. I first witnessed how bad my grandmother's mind was becoming during this time when she offered to make me some tea. There were TWO kettles sitting on the stove top burners, but my grandmother proceeded to take out a sauce pan and start boiling water. At this time I also witnessed how cruel and impatient T was towards my grandmother. After her attempt to make me tea, she started taking dirty dishes out of the dishwasher, obviously confused. With me standing right there, T snapped at my grandmother saying, "Why are you doing that? I just put those in there!" If he's willing to speak to her like that in front of her family, what's happening when no one is around?
Second, my aunt and mother scheduled to meet with T to discuss my grandmother's care and try to convince him to please pursue outside interventions to address her Alzheimer's/Dementia as she was continuing to decline and T was doing nothing about it, refusing any advice or suggestions and "shutting down" any concerns that we expressed. My aunt was in T's home in person and my mother (who lives in another state) was on speaker phone. My aunt had arranged for another family member to take my grandmother out for a while. When my mother and aunt attempted to discuss my grandmother's health/medical care with T as well as what was going on with their deceased brother's condo that T had taken over without communicating with the family, he became enraged. He started yelling and swearing at my aunt. He then physically assaulted her by trying to push to the door. At this time, the family member who had taken my grandmother out returned with my grandmother and they walked into the house. T shoved my grandmother, in front of my aunt and the other family member, and told her, "You can go f***ing live with them!" My grandmother, scared and confused about what was happening, told T that he was being "ridiculous." This was the first time that we witnessed T become physical with my grandmother. Again, if he was willing to do that in front of family members, what is he willing to do when no one is around?
OK, now fast forward a couple months. T secretly has my grandmother change her legal, end-of-life paperwork in August or September 2012. We found out in October 2012 when my mother and I were visiting again. The lawyer that T had taken my grandmother to contacted my aunt requesting some information about my deceased uncle that my grandmother was unable to give due to her memory loss. My aunt, surprised and confused by being contacted by this lawyer, explained to the lawyer the concerns we had about T and requested a meeting. So my mother, aunt, T, grandmother, and the lawyer had a meeting. During this meeting is when my mother and aunt found out about the paperwork that T had made my grandmother change. My mother and aunt were, understandably, angry and concerned. My grandmother, who was very confused, remained silent during the meeting. As my mother and aunt became upset and started going back-and-forth with T about what he had done, the lawyer had a stunned look on her face. The lawyer stated, "I had no idea there was any contention in the family..." My mother and aunt started to question the lawyer, asking why she would allow a non-family member to change the paperwork of an elderly person with Alzheimer's and Dementia without reaching out to the person's family members first. The lawyer did not have an answer. She appeared scared and it seemed as though she did not know what to do. She repeated to my mother and aunt several times, "Nothing's been done that can't be undone." When the lawyer said that, two things happened. 1.) T said, "If any of the paperwork is changed back, then she (referring to my grandmother) can go live with one of you (referring to my mother and aunt)!" and 2.) T said to the lawyer, "If you change any of the paperwork back, I won't pay you!" This is very important because T THREATENED my grandmother in front of the lawyer and threatened to not pay the lawyer, meaning there was a conflict-of-interest as my grandmother was (allegedly) the client, so T absolutely should not have been paying the lawyer himself. The money to pay the lawyer should have come from my grandmother's money, which she did have, since SHE was supposed to be the lawyer's client. The lawyer's job was to act in my grandmother's best interest, not T's. By being the one who was paying the lawyer, T was technically the client and the lawyer was really working for him, acting in HIS best interest. HUGE RED FLAGS FLYING UP EVERYWHERE!
Lesson for today: Sometimes, even lawyers may not know what they are doing, may miss (or ignore) "red flags," and may not have their clients' best interests in mind.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Elder Abuse Information and Resources
I'm going to take a break from telling my family's story to provide some Elder Abuse resources that I have found through researching the topic. Remember, even if you haven't found yourself having to worry about this yet, you will have at least one loved one that you will want to protect one day and you will (hopefully) be an elderly person yourself one day who should be treated with respect. My family and I never thought we would be in this situation!
The National Center on Elder Abuse (NCEA) - run by the Administration on Aging (http://aoa.gov/) - helps to ensure that "national, state, and local partners in the field will be fully prepared to ensure that older Americans will live with dignity, integrity, independence, and without abuse, neglect, and exploitation." Their website has TONS of information and resources! The website is not as user-friendly as I'd like, but if you're patient and willing to search around a bit, you can find what you're looking for.
http://www.ncea.aoa.gov/NCEAroot/Main_Site/Index.aspx
The Ageless Alliance is a wonderful resource! A lot of their information and resources come from the NCEA, but I find their website much easier to navigate. Their mission statement is:
The National Center on Elder Abuse (NCEA) - run by the Administration on Aging (http://aoa.gov/) - helps to ensure that "national, state, and local partners in the field will be fully prepared to ensure that older Americans will live with dignity, integrity, independence, and without abuse, neglect, and exploitation." Their website has TONS of information and resources! The website is not as user-friendly as I'd like, but if you're patient and willing to search around a bit, you can find what you're looking for.
http://www.ncea.aoa.gov/NCEAroot/Main_Site/Index.aspx
The Ageless Alliance is a wonderful resource! A lot of their information and resources come from the NCEA, but I find their website much easier to navigate. Their mission statement is:
Building Awareness
We recognize the value and dignity of older adults. We provide education resources about elder abuse and neglect to support abuse identification, prevention and intervention by communities and individuals.
Providing Support
We provide online resources for survivors of abuse, their family members and friends, and their advocates.
Community Involvement
We provide means for abuse survivors, their family members and friends, and their advocates to unite and take action to eliminate elder abuse. This includes educating and advocating with legislators and communities, participating in coalitions and events, and involvement in other elder justice related activities nationwide.
You can sign up to receive emails. They have an "action kit" with tons of well-organized resources including videos, flyers, logos, press release templates, and promo items.
*You can "like" both the NCEA and the Ageless Alliance on Facebook to support them and get regular information/updates.
Some important information and resources:
1. The Red Flags of Abuse
(My family & I have used this resource A LOT regarding the unfortunate situation with my grandmother. It has been VERY helpful!) (http://www.ncea.aoa.gov/Ncearoot/Main_Site/pdf/publication/NCEA_RedFlags_p2.pdf)
2. Why Should I Care About Elder Abuse?
3. Protect Yourself from Abuse, Neglect, and Exploitation!
4. 11 Things that Anyone Can Do to Prevent Elder Abuse (from the NCEA)
I hope this will be helpful to some people! Thanks for reading and God Bless!
Let the Battle Begin - Part 1
So, I left off in my last post with T and my grandmother moving into a new home together, T's home that he had shared with his wife and four children.
I remember the first time that I visited them at the "new" home. It had been about 8 months or so since T's wife had passed away. I asked T how his children were doing since their mother's passing. T's response was, "Well, I had to pay for the funeral, you know, and she left a bunch of bills that I had to pay!" That was it. Not a single word that actually answered my question. It was all about money. He spoke about her as if she had done this on purpose, like she was still alive and should pay him back the money.
Whenever the topic of his wife has been brought up to my grandmother, she talks about how nice of a woman his wife was. She even happily allows an old picture to remain hanging in the living room of T, his wife, and their 4 children before the separation.
In November 2011, one of my uncles (my grandmother's middle child) unexpectedly passed away. On the day that my family found out, my aunt went to T's home to check on my grandmother. My grandmother was sitting at the kitchen table by herself, crying. T was in the living room watching TV and said, "Crying isn't going to do any good."
After my uncle's death, my grandmother's symptoms became even worse. Sometimes, we could tell that she was confused about my uncle's death and couldn't quite remember that it had happened. She no longer had the ability to make phone calls on her own and had stopped calling us. She no longer remembered my or any of her other grandchildrens' birthdays (which started about 1-2 years earlier) and her own children's birthdays.
My uncle owned a condo which was left to my grandmother when he passed away. T immediately took control of the condo and refused to allow the family to be involved, even refusing to discuss the progress of its sale with the family. Since the next several months' mortgage for the condo had already been paid by my deceased uncle, my aunt brought up the possibility of allowing one of my cousins to live in the condo for a few months. T became angry and said "no," making it his decision. T then told my family that the bank would be taking over the condo and that they would be putting a lock on the door, so we had to remove anything we wanted from the condo right away. My family scrambled to get my deceased uncle's personal belongings out of the condo. Afterwards, without discussing this with the family, T had a member of his family repaint the condo, then putting it up for sale himself.
Now, I'm not positive about the timing of everything, but either shortly before or right after my uncle's death, my family and I found out that my grandmother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Dementia. My grandmother, naturually, forgot and, therefore, could not tell us. T did not tell anyone. We found out about 6 months post-diagnoses when my grandmother randomly mentioned it in a conversation.
Around the time that T was taking over the condo and refusing to discuss it with the family, we were becoming very concerned about my grandmother's symptoms. We found a great program for elder people with Alzheimer's and Dementia only 10 minutes away from T's home that my grandmother could go to during the day a few days a week to help slow the progression of the illnesses. The program is free, however, certain assets could not be in the patient's name, including the condo. We discussed this with T, begging him to just get the sale overwith or just let the bank have the condo so that we could get her into the program. T refused and, to this day, we still are completely in the dark as to whatever happened to the condo.
We started discussing our concerns about my grandmother's condition with T. My aunt, who is only a few minutes away from his home, repeatedly offered for him to drop my grandmother off at her house so she could help my grandmother get some exercise since T never exercises, not even going to walks, and my grandmother loves going for walks, but lost the ability to go walking on her own. T never took my aunt up on her offer. He constantly left my grandmother home alone without telling anyone and continued to allow her to drive by herself, even though she got lost and scared several times and had to be rescued. If one of us called while my grandmother was home alone, she was unable to tell us where T was, when he had left, or when he'd be home. We attempted to talk to him about this, asking him to please stop letting her drive and to please make plans ahead of time so that she was not left home alone. My aunt continued to offer for T to drop my grandmother off with her whenever he had to leave the home. T ignored our concerns and refused our suggestions and offers of assitance.
Months passed. My grandmother (who also has diabetes) was getting no exercise, often being left home alone, and was receiving absolutely no intervention or regular treatment what-so-ever to address her Alzheimer's/Dementia and to slow down the progression. She gained a significant amount of weight within only a few months after maintaining about the same weight for as long as I can remember. She looked like a completely different person.
T continued to refuse to get my grandmother into the program that we had found near his home. The condo was still in her name. Even though T could have easily afforded for my grandmother to start the program, he still refused. My parents told T that they would pay for my grandmother to start the program until the condo was out of her name. T stated, "That's rediculous! I'll fight you on that!" This was about more than money for him; this was about power, control, and murder.
Yes, murder. T was (and still is), in my opinion, ensuring that my grandmother would get worse so that she will die sooner rather than later. In August or September of 2012, T secretly took my grandmother to an elder care lawyer behind my family's back. My grandmother was about 2 years into ther diagnoses and was forgetting day-to-day events at this point. T and the lawyer had my grandmother create a new will, establish him (a non-family member - a boyfriend) as her Power of Attorney (POA), and establish him as her Health Care Proxy (HCP). My grandmother has no memory of this. She had created a will about 10-15 years earlier establishing my mother, her oldest child, as the executor and splitting her assets among her children. My mother had been her POA and my aunt had been her HCP. At this time, T also combined my grandmother's bank account with his, even though they had separate bank accounts since they first started dating. Now my grandmother was completely and totally under his control. All of her assets were is his name and under his control. And she didn't even realize it.
Let me stop there, for now, and point out a few of the "Red Flags of Abuse" from the National Center on Elder Abuse (NCEA). The full document can be found at http://www.agelessalliance.org/assets/download/scripts/NCEA_RedFlags_web.pdf.
How could an ELDER CARE lawyer not see the red flags? Not do her research? Not contact family members? Allow a NON-FAMILY MEMBER to change the end-of-life paperwork of an elderly person with Alzheimer's and Dementia?
I remember the first time that I visited them at the "new" home. It had been about 8 months or so since T's wife had passed away. I asked T how his children were doing since their mother's passing. T's response was, "Well, I had to pay for the funeral, you know, and she left a bunch of bills that I had to pay!" That was it. Not a single word that actually answered my question. It was all about money. He spoke about her as if she had done this on purpose, like she was still alive and should pay him back the money.
Whenever the topic of his wife has been brought up to my grandmother, she talks about how nice of a woman his wife was. She even happily allows an old picture to remain hanging in the living room of T, his wife, and their 4 children before the separation.
In November 2011, one of my uncles (my grandmother's middle child) unexpectedly passed away. On the day that my family found out, my aunt went to T's home to check on my grandmother. My grandmother was sitting at the kitchen table by herself, crying. T was in the living room watching TV and said, "Crying isn't going to do any good."
After my uncle's death, my grandmother's symptoms became even worse. Sometimes, we could tell that she was confused about my uncle's death and couldn't quite remember that it had happened. She no longer had the ability to make phone calls on her own and had stopped calling us. She no longer remembered my or any of her other grandchildrens' birthdays (which started about 1-2 years earlier) and her own children's birthdays.
My uncle owned a condo which was left to my grandmother when he passed away. T immediately took control of the condo and refused to allow the family to be involved, even refusing to discuss the progress of its sale with the family. Since the next several months' mortgage for the condo had already been paid by my deceased uncle, my aunt brought up the possibility of allowing one of my cousins to live in the condo for a few months. T became angry and said "no," making it his decision. T then told my family that the bank would be taking over the condo and that they would be putting a lock on the door, so we had to remove anything we wanted from the condo right away. My family scrambled to get my deceased uncle's personal belongings out of the condo. Afterwards, without discussing this with the family, T had a member of his family repaint the condo, then putting it up for sale himself.
Now, I'm not positive about the timing of everything, but either shortly before or right after my uncle's death, my family and I found out that my grandmother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Dementia. My grandmother, naturually, forgot and, therefore, could not tell us. T did not tell anyone. We found out about 6 months post-diagnoses when my grandmother randomly mentioned it in a conversation.
Around the time that T was taking over the condo and refusing to discuss it with the family, we were becoming very concerned about my grandmother's symptoms. We found a great program for elder people with Alzheimer's and Dementia only 10 minutes away from T's home that my grandmother could go to during the day a few days a week to help slow the progression of the illnesses. The program is free, however, certain assets could not be in the patient's name, including the condo. We discussed this with T, begging him to just get the sale overwith or just let the bank have the condo so that we could get her into the program. T refused and, to this day, we still are completely in the dark as to whatever happened to the condo.
We started discussing our concerns about my grandmother's condition with T. My aunt, who is only a few minutes away from his home, repeatedly offered for him to drop my grandmother off at her house so she could help my grandmother get some exercise since T never exercises, not even going to walks, and my grandmother loves going for walks, but lost the ability to go walking on her own. T never took my aunt up on her offer. He constantly left my grandmother home alone without telling anyone and continued to allow her to drive by herself, even though she got lost and scared several times and had to be rescued. If one of us called while my grandmother was home alone, she was unable to tell us where T was, when he had left, or when he'd be home. We attempted to talk to him about this, asking him to please stop letting her drive and to please make plans ahead of time so that she was not left home alone. My aunt continued to offer for T to drop my grandmother off with her whenever he had to leave the home. T ignored our concerns and refused our suggestions and offers of assitance.
Months passed. My grandmother (who also has diabetes) was getting no exercise, often being left home alone, and was receiving absolutely no intervention or regular treatment what-so-ever to address her Alzheimer's/Dementia and to slow down the progression. She gained a significant amount of weight within only a few months after maintaining about the same weight for as long as I can remember. She looked like a completely different person.
T continued to refuse to get my grandmother into the program that we had found near his home. The condo was still in her name. Even though T could have easily afforded for my grandmother to start the program, he still refused. My parents told T that they would pay for my grandmother to start the program until the condo was out of her name. T stated, "That's rediculous! I'll fight you on that!" This was about more than money for him; this was about power, control, and murder.
Yes, murder. T was (and still is), in my opinion, ensuring that my grandmother would get worse so that she will die sooner rather than later. In August or September of 2012, T secretly took my grandmother to an elder care lawyer behind my family's back. My grandmother was about 2 years into ther diagnoses and was forgetting day-to-day events at this point. T and the lawyer had my grandmother create a new will, establish him (a non-family member - a boyfriend) as her Power of Attorney (POA), and establish him as her Health Care Proxy (HCP). My grandmother has no memory of this. She had created a will about 10-15 years earlier establishing my mother, her oldest child, as the executor and splitting her assets among her children. My mother had been her POA and my aunt had been her HCP. At this time, T also combined my grandmother's bank account with his, even though they had separate bank accounts since they first started dating. Now my grandmother was completely and totally under his control. All of her assets were is his name and under his control. And she didn't even realize it.
Let me stop there, for now, and point out a few of the "Red Flags of Abuse" from the National Center on Elder Abuse (NCEA). The full document can be found at http://www.agelessalliance.org/assets/download/scripts/NCEA_RedFlags_web.pdf.
How could an ELDER CARE lawyer not see the red flags? Not do her research? Not contact family members? Allow a NON-FAMILY MEMBER to change the end-of-life paperwork of an elderly person with Alzheimer's and Dementia?
Saturday, February 16, 2013
The Beginning - Once Upon a Time...
I have decided to start chronicling a terrible situation that my family is going through as it continues to become more bizarre and frustrating with no end in sight. We are in a fight. A fight for a loved one's life. Here is the beginning of it all, when, what I consider to be, an evil person made himself a part of our family...little did we know what was to come.
My maternal grandmother is a very sweet, kind-hearted, friendly person who loves being around people, enjoys socializing, and will go out of her way for anyone.
My grandmother started dating a man, who I will refer to as "T," about 17 years ago. "T" was still married to his wife, who he had four children with, but they were separated and had been for a long time. After about a year or so of dating, "T" stated that he was tired of driving to the place where my grandmother was living at the time and told her that he wanted her to move in with him (what a romantic reason, I know). So, my grandmother (who is VERY against living together when not married) quit her job and moved in with "T." She was under the impression that "T" was planning on divorcing his wife and that they would get married. Once she moved in with him, my grandmother assisted "T" with his business, taking on a secretary-like role for him.
As the years passed, "T" remained married to his wife and did not discuss with my grandmother any plans to get married. My family and I began to notice that it seemed "T" was very "in charge" of the relationship and my grandmother did not get much of a say or choice in anything. We also noticed that, although "T" was very well off financially, he was very stingy with money and often sent my grandmother out with us with no money at all (including a trip with us to Disney World). I remember an incident when my grandmother was experiencing a great deal of pain in one of her teeth which needed to be removed. She told us that she had to put off the surgery to remove the tooth because she needed to save up enough of her social security checks to pay for it. The cost of it was very small compared to how much money "T" had and was still making.
While living in their first home together, "T's" house, my grandmother started to experience several stomach/gastrointestinal problems. I will not go into the details, but it was terrible and it lasted for several years. It was causing her to lose sleep and she was often unable to leave the home. "T" not only appeared very un-concerned about it, but even made fun of her for "stinking up the bathroom," etc. My aunt asked "T" to get his water tested as he and my grandmother drank straight from the tap, but "T" refused. A few years ago, when "T" sold the home, one of the stipulations of the sale was that "T" had to pay to have a brand new, very expensive water filtration system installed because traces of arsenic and other toxic substances were found in the water. After they moved, my grandmother's symptoms stopped.
The reason "T" and my grandmother moved out of his first home that they lived in together is because his wife passed away. His wife had been living in the home where they lived before separating and the home was in "T's" name. Within months of his wife passing away, "T" had the house that she had been living in completely renovated and "fixed up," then made my grandmother move into it with him. Around this time, my grandmother had been exhibiting some concerning symptoms - memory problems, sleeplessness, high anxiety/stress, etc. My family and I were concerned about the move itself and the new home, as it is large with a basement and an upstairs. The bedrooms are upstairs which require climbing a winding staircase. There's also a huge front and back yard which need to be maintained as well as a driveway that would need to be shoveled during the winter. We didn't understand why they wouldn't move into an elder living community, a condo, or something similar that is simpler/easier to maintain. What became more bizarre to us was that "T" refused to pay for a professional moving company to assist with the move, even though he could easily afford it and had put thousands of dollars into fixing up the house. He had my fragile grandmother in her late 70's with severe symptoms of stress, etc. assist in packing everything, physically transporting everything, physically getting everything into the new home, and unpacking everything. My grandmother was more stressed than I had ever seen her at that time and, sadly, she has never been the same since. Her memory problems became much more significant and we started to fear that she had Alzheimer's/Dementia. (By the way, one of "T's" own children expressed anger/resentment towards him to one of my family members about "T" fixing up the home after allowing their mother to "rot to death in a s**thole.)
On a quick side-note, a few years before the move into "T's" "new" home, "T" gave my grandmother a diamond ring and made her believe that it was an engagement ring. My grandmother was so happy and had the biggest smile on her face showing it to everyone. "T" still never divorced his wife and, again, never discussed plans of marriage with my grandmother. He and his wife were still married when she passed away a few years ago.
So that is the beginning, before my family's battle for my grandmother's life truly started and continues today. This is a long enough post already, so I will update on what happened next in my following post.
"10 Tips for A Great Relationship" posted on Facebook by the Ageless Alliance:
http://legacyproject.human.cornell.edu/2013/02/10-tips-for-a-great-relationships-just-in-time-for-valentines-day/
My maternal grandmother is a very sweet, kind-hearted, friendly person who loves being around people, enjoys socializing, and will go out of her way for anyone.
My grandmother started dating a man, who I will refer to as "T," about 17 years ago. "T" was still married to his wife, who he had four children with, but they were separated and had been for a long time. After about a year or so of dating, "T" stated that he was tired of driving to the place where my grandmother was living at the time and told her that he wanted her to move in with him (what a romantic reason, I know). So, my grandmother (who is VERY against living together when not married) quit her job and moved in with "T." She was under the impression that "T" was planning on divorcing his wife and that they would get married. Once she moved in with him, my grandmother assisted "T" with his business, taking on a secretary-like role for him.
As the years passed, "T" remained married to his wife and did not discuss with my grandmother any plans to get married. My family and I began to notice that it seemed "T" was very "in charge" of the relationship and my grandmother did not get much of a say or choice in anything. We also noticed that, although "T" was very well off financially, he was very stingy with money and often sent my grandmother out with us with no money at all (including a trip with us to Disney World). I remember an incident when my grandmother was experiencing a great deal of pain in one of her teeth which needed to be removed. She told us that she had to put off the surgery to remove the tooth because she needed to save up enough of her social security checks to pay for it. The cost of it was very small compared to how much money "T" had and was still making.
While living in their first home together, "T's" house, my grandmother started to experience several stomach/gastrointestinal problems. I will not go into the details, but it was terrible and it lasted for several years. It was causing her to lose sleep and she was often unable to leave the home. "T" not only appeared very un-concerned about it, but even made fun of her for "stinking up the bathroom," etc. My aunt asked "T" to get his water tested as he and my grandmother drank straight from the tap, but "T" refused. A few years ago, when "T" sold the home, one of the stipulations of the sale was that "T" had to pay to have a brand new, very expensive water filtration system installed because traces of arsenic and other toxic substances were found in the water. After they moved, my grandmother's symptoms stopped.
The reason "T" and my grandmother moved out of his first home that they lived in together is because his wife passed away. His wife had been living in the home where they lived before separating and the home was in "T's" name. Within months of his wife passing away, "T" had the house that she had been living in completely renovated and "fixed up," then made my grandmother move into it with him. Around this time, my grandmother had been exhibiting some concerning symptoms - memory problems, sleeplessness, high anxiety/stress, etc. My family and I were concerned about the move itself and the new home, as it is large with a basement and an upstairs. The bedrooms are upstairs which require climbing a winding staircase. There's also a huge front and back yard which need to be maintained as well as a driveway that would need to be shoveled during the winter. We didn't understand why they wouldn't move into an elder living community, a condo, or something similar that is simpler/easier to maintain. What became more bizarre to us was that "T" refused to pay for a professional moving company to assist with the move, even though he could easily afford it and had put thousands of dollars into fixing up the house. He had my fragile grandmother in her late 70's with severe symptoms of stress, etc. assist in packing everything, physically transporting everything, physically getting everything into the new home, and unpacking everything. My grandmother was more stressed than I had ever seen her at that time and, sadly, she has never been the same since. Her memory problems became much more significant and we started to fear that she had Alzheimer's/Dementia. (By the way, one of "T's" own children expressed anger/resentment towards him to one of my family members about "T" fixing up the home after allowing their mother to "rot to death in a s**thole.)
On a quick side-note, a few years before the move into "T's" "new" home, "T" gave my grandmother a diamond ring and made her believe that it was an engagement ring. My grandmother was so happy and had the biggest smile on her face showing it to everyone. "T" still never divorced his wife and, again, never discussed plans of marriage with my grandmother. He and his wife were still married when she passed away a few years ago.
So that is the beginning, before my family's battle for my grandmother's life truly started and continues today. This is a long enough post already, so I will update on what happened next in my following post.
"10 Tips for A Great Relationship" posted on Facebook by the Ageless Alliance:
http://legacyproject.human.cornell.edu/2013/02/10-tips-for-a-great-relationships-just-in-time-for-valentines-day/
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