Part 2

I left off my story with T taking my grandmother to a lawyer and secretly having her create a new will and establish him (her 83-year-old BOYFRIEND) as her POA and HCP, when my grandmother was about 2 years into Alzheimer's/Dementia diagnoses and forgetting day-to-day events.  T refuses to discuss the new will with the family or allow anyone to see it, so we can only assume that he most likely established himself as the executor and left all of my grandmother's assets in his name.  Why else would he have her change it?  Why else would he become angry and defensive when we bring it up?  Why else would he refuse to let any of my grandmother's own children see it? 

This action is listed as one of the Red Flags of Elder Abuse by the National Center on Elder Abuse (NCEA).  Why the ELDER CARE lawyer that T took my grandmother to ignored this is beyond me.  I guess some people will do anything as long as they're getting paid.  Or maybe she just isn't a smart person and didn't have the knowledge or common sense to see the red flags.  Maybe lawyers, even elder care lawyers, need more education about this or need continuing education once they are working in the field.  Whatever the reasons, once this lawyer allowed T to have my grandmother's paperwork changed, she basically gave T the legal ability to continue abusing and neglecting my grandmother.  And things got much worse.



Let me back up quickly to a couple months prior to T having my grandmother's paperwork changed, summer 2012:

First, my mother and I, who both live in another state, visited the family in June 2012.  We had a big family get-together at T's house, since that's wear my grandmother lives.  I first witnessed how bad my grandmother's mind was becoming during this time when she offered to make me some tea.  There were TWO kettles sitting on the stove top burners, but my grandmother proceeded to take out a sauce pan and start boiling water.  At this time I also witnessed how cruel and impatient T was towards my grandmother.  After her attempt to make me tea, she started taking dirty dishes out of the dishwasher, obviously confused.  With me standing right there, T snapped at my grandmother saying, "Why are you doing that?  I just put those in there!"  If he's willing to speak to her like that in front of her family, what's happening when no one is around?

Second, my aunt and mother scheduled to meet with T to discuss my grandmother's care and try to convince him to please pursue outside interventions to address her Alzheimer's/Dementia as she was continuing to decline and T was doing nothing about it, refusing any advice or suggestions and "shutting down" any concerns that we expressed.  My aunt was in T's home in person and my mother (who lives in another state) was on speaker phone.  My aunt had arranged for another family member to take my grandmother out for a while.  When my mother and aunt attempted to discuss my grandmother's health/medical care with T as well as what was going on with their deceased brother's condo that T had taken over without communicating with the family, he became enraged.  He started yelling and swearing at my aunt.  He then physically assaulted her by trying to push to the door.  At this time, the family member who had taken my grandmother out returned with my grandmother and they walked into the house.  T shoved my grandmother, in front of my aunt and the other family member, and told her, "You can go f***ing live with them!"  My grandmother, scared and confused about what was happening, told T that he was being "ridiculous."  This was the first time that we witnessed T become physical with my grandmother.  Again, if he was willing to do that in front of family members, what is he willing to do when no one is around?


OK, now fast forward a couple months.  T secretly has my grandmother change her legal, end-of-life paperwork in August or September 2012.  We found out in October 2012 when my mother and I were visiting again.  The lawyer that T had taken my grandmother to contacted my aunt requesting some information about my deceased uncle that my grandmother was unable to give due to her memory loss.  My aunt, surprised and confused by being contacted by this lawyer, explained to the lawyer the concerns we had about T and requested a meeting.  So my mother, aunt, T, grandmother, and the lawyer had a meeting.  During this meeting is when my mother and aunt found out about the paperwork that T had made my grandmother change.  My mother and aunt were, understandably, angry and concerned.  My grandmother, who was very confused, remained silent during the meeting.  As my mother and aunt became upset and started going back-and-forth with T about what he had done, the lawyer had a stunned look on her face.  The lawyer stated, "I had no idea there was any contention in the family..."  My mother and aunt started to question the lawyer, asking why she would allow a non-family member to change the paperwork of an elderly person with Alzheimer's and Dementia without reaching out to the person's family members first.  The lawyer did not have an answer.  She appeared scared and it seemed as though she did not know what to do.  She repeated to my mother and aunt several times, "Nothing's been done that can't be undone."  When the lawyer said that, two things happened.  1.) T said, "If any of the paperwork is changed back, then she (referring to my grandmother) can go live with one of you (referring to my mother and aunt)!"  and 2.) T said to the lawyer, "If you change any of the paperwork back, I won't pay you!"  This is very important because T THREATENED my grandmother in front of the lawyer and threatened to not pay the lawyer, meaning there was a conflict-of-interest as my grandmother was (allegedly) the client, so T absolutely should not have been paying the lawyer himself.  The money to pay the lawyer should have come from my grandmother's money, which she did have, since SHE was supposed to be the lawyer's client.  The lawyer's job was to act in my grandmother's best interest, not T's.  By being the one who was paying the lawyer, T was technically the client and the lawyer was really working for him, acting in HIS best interest.  HUGE RED FLAGS FLYING UP EVERYWHERE!


Lesson for today:  Sometimes, even lawyers may not know what they are doing, may miss (or ignore) "red flags," and may not have their clients' best interests in mind.